The idea that a guy should stay in a committed monogamous relationship is pretty much force-fed to us from every source on relationships available. Parents, women, media, and so forth, tell us that it is “bad” to sleep with more than one woman on a regular basis. If you do so, you are some kind of naughty bad boy, a player or even a womanizer. Decent men, we are told, pair up with one woman, and try to go the distance… Where on earth did this idea come from? My goal in this article is to put up some information here that will help you to make a better decision about relationships for yourself. I do not want to impose my own morality here — I just want to put the facts before you. Morality is a funny thing, and often it is shaped by someone’s self-interest, and then rationalized and enforced later on. You need to check your premises on all moral issues such as these — not just buy into what is being force-fed to you from our society in our time.
On Polygamy Most guys, the average guy, are in a bit of a conundrum. There are messages coming at us from everywhere saying that it is wrong to sleep with more than one woman, and yet you constantly have this inner drive to sleep with many women. If you choose to be in a relationship, you are going to have to compromise on this. Some guys go for committed relationships, and this can be very positive and satisfying for them when they find a great woman. But it necessarily includes a repression on your natural urges in order to gain whatever emotional security you find in a relationship, or whatever family goals you have. Some men cheat on their woman in order to get the most of this, but this is an awful situation too, because you are always having to lie, cover your tracks, and live in the fear of being caught out. Another thing that a guy will do, is try to protect himself from this situation, and end up uncommitted and lonely. So it seems there are three options, none of them too appealing right? Most men just have not analyzed where their beliefs come from, and so they get stuck in this conundrum. No guy seems really to have solved this problem, and I cannot say that I have either — it is just a bizarre circumstance in the nature of human existence. We can see that the morality of monogamy can often come from religion — it is a sin to have multiple lovers, which is empowered by words like “fornication”, or “infidelity”. They make you feel dirty and bad, and fill people with disgust for men who seek more than one woman to have sex with. Faithfulness is seen as a great quality for men, and celibacy seen as a virtue. The further we go down this road, the further we repress sex and see sex as incongruous with higher moral ideals. Another reason we have this sentiment, is that before the time of condoms, and in the time of lesser medicine, etc., it was unhealthy to engage in promiscuous sex. Enforcing abstinence literally saved lives. There is one other reason I can see for this continued influence over our idea about relationships. For women, it is a great thing to date a guy who is going to be monogamous. Women have a limited amount of “reproductive resources” compared to men — one egg a month, compared with a single male ejaculation that could inseminate the whole of North and South America. Additionally, women historically needed males to protect them and provide for them during pregnancy and their child’s early infant development. In an evolutionary sense like this, she cannot have her man spreading his resources around among other women. So girls have naturally evolved to want men to be monogamous, while men have evolved, generally speaking, to want to have various sexual partners if society (for instance their primitive tribe) permits it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, celibacy was rampant in our history. One man would have many wives and concubines, and very few others would have any women at all. In tribal cultures, men view women as property. The king of the tribe would get the most women, and the rest would literally get none. They controlled sex and women. That is no longer the case – there is no longer anyone saying, “you can only have sex with one woman, and your president can have sex with two hundred.” The sentiment seems to have stayed the same though. Few men realize that it is totally okay to have sex with as many women as you want, and nobody is going to stop you. Women have “techniques” for making guys monogamous – you read about it in Cosmo magazine, and other resources for girls. I mean, no woman is going to force you into being monogamous, but as guys, we do get bombarded by a bunch of great strategies for making us monogamous. So we end up taking one of the three choices, to repress, to be lonely, or to cheat. Only recently is it becoming ‘cooler’ or more acceptable for men to be promiscuous (and the same is true for women), with the advent of sex-symbol rock-stars and hip-hop artists, etc.
Ideal Sexual Worlds Most men, I think, would like a world where they have one woman that they care about, and a few women on the side. This makes evolutionary sense. Women, on the other hand, are really out to find a guy who is monogamous. Evolutionarily speaking, in their ideal world they would have one monogamous guy to provide for them the resources they need, and to protect them, and another guy who has the great genes who she wants to have sex with. This is generally a dichotomy between guys – two types, the provider and the lover. One guy she just is not going to be able to keep around, but who she wants to have sex with from time to time, and one guy who she loves as a husband. Mostly during times when she is most fertile, she will be more attracted to the other guy. It is almost like she is trying to get impregnated by the lover, and then get the provider to take care of her resources need (which in modern days means financial needs). Remember, most women are not aware of this at all, because it is instinctive, but “players” trigger this by not acting like a provider-type guy.
How to Live a Polygamous Life To have these urges, as a guy or a girl, does not mean that you are a bad person — it is completely natural, and in accordance with what has worked best in our evolutionary history. You just need to find a way to live a life where you deal with these urges in a healthy way, that makes you and those around you feel good. A really good choice for this is to have relationships with women that are not “committed”. Women have tons of preconceived ideas about how a relationship should look like, and as long as you avoid these, you can get away with such a lifestyle. Do not call her randomly, do not text her, do not hang around her all the time — I.E. avoid acting like a boyfriend, and she will not see you that way, as much as she would want that from you. The first sign that you display of being a ‘boyfriend-type’ is going to trigger those feelings of being in a relationship with you. Women get a lot of pressure from family, friends, and so forth about guys they see -“is this a serious thing/are you sleeping with him and he’s not even your boyfriend?” Women are very conscious about their reputation – especially about not coming across as a “slut.” Whatever evidence you give of being a boyfriend to her is going to bring those feelings out more in her mind — something like speaking to her on the phone a lot does not indicate a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic to you, but it does to her. Eventually it reaches a breaking point, where she wants to find out where the “relationship” is going, and you both realize that you are on completely different pages. Ultimately this is a terrible situation — you really did just think that you were “hanging out” with her, but meanwhile she has been speaking about you to her friends, to her family, and concretizing in her mind the rationalization that you want to be her boyfriend. It is your responsibility not to wind up in this situation, otherwise you are not only going to appear to be a total jerk to her, but to her entire social circle, which likely will include other girls you like. Perhaps even some of your guy friends will turn against you because of this. Pretty much every guy experiences this at some point in their dating life, before they realize that if you are not interested in being this girl’s boyfriend, you must stop acting like you might, because she will see what she wants to see no matter how many times you tell her it is not serious. Ultimately, this is a natural consequence of the type of lifestyle that you are presenting to her. If you are showing her that you have other women in your life, and that you are super busy, for instance traveling all the time, and so on, you are naturally not going to come across as a boyfriend-type, and she will not be looking out for those signals. Let her know that you spend time with a lot of girls — she will not have a problem with you being a popular guy. Most girls will not come with direct questions like, ‘are we in a relationship?’ — these days they know that this just causes guys to close down, instead of leading to a productive conversation. They have formed better strategies to find out these things, subtler means of figuring out where things are going. The best way to deal with it is just to let her know that you have a very active lifestyle, which implies that it is unlikely that you are going to go for a committed relationship. Stay positive and humorous and you will not seem like a jerk, which girls usually think player-type guys are. On the other hand, you could just out and tell her exactly where things are going — maybe you are just at a period of life where you are exploring and allowing yourself to grow in a certain direction? The point is, there are good ways to deal with this, in a way that the girl will “get”, and you will not end up hurting her just because you didn’t have the guts to tell her straight. Do not give her the signals that might make her think that you are in a relationship. Ironically, guys tend to lead girls on because they do not want to hurt her, and then one day you break her heart when she realizes that all that time you were just being a huge fake.
Monogamy I often think that most guys in monogamous relationships are just settling, because of societal pressures or because of their own laziness. A reason guys get into committed relationships is that it provides a more stable means of getting sex. As a single guy, you are going to need to be having continuous one-night-stands to satisfy yourself sexually, or have girls in your social circle who you can sleep with basically whenever you want to. The problem with last solution is that these girls are going to be coming in and out of relationships themselves all the time, and you cannot rely on this alone. So you are necessarily going to have to be going out all the time and meeting new girls, and this obviously takes a lot of effort. So many guys sacrifice their sexual variety in order to gain the sexual consistency. Do I think this is an adequate reason to be in a relationship? Absolutely not. Never get into a relationship just because you are not willing to go through the process and effort of dating multiple women.
Why Monogamy? A problem that most men run up against when considering being in a relationship, is that they view sex as, merely, sex. Most guys do not care about advanced sexual techniques, or having great sex, it is just about having sex, and that is why they would prefer the sexual variety. What kind of sex life or emotional life do you really want with the women you are seeing? If you consider that there is nothing wrong with having multiple strong relationships with women, what is it that you really want out of your dating life? Imagine you have perfect sexual abundance. You have the ideal male world of multiple beautiful sexual partners. Why would a guy in this position want a serious relationship? I mean, guys do not need the emotional provision, or “companionship” that girls often seek in men. Let’s think about the “point of relationships”, which is the value that one person brings to the other. Is a girl contributing, or leaching off of my lifestyle? If I’m a successful guy, with a great lifestyle, social circle and emotions, is she contributing to that, or contracting that lifestyle? When choosing a girlfriend, you really need to think about your lifestyle with her in it — is she going to increase or decrease your fun? If a girl is going to consistently increase your fun, then of course you are going to want to hang out with her more, and if you find her sexually attractive then you are going to be more than friends. You’ll start to prefer this girl to the others you are dating, and you’ll naturally start to spend more time with her. As a rule, “men look for sex and find love, women look for love and find sex.” You are going to begin to develop stronger emotional ties to this girl the more time you invest in her. You’ll get jealous when you notice other guys providing for her, and you’ll start to want to be that provider. This is a natural instinct that we have, and you can choose to ignore it and continue with dating multiple girls, or you can go down the road of a voluntary relationship. I use the word voluntary, as I believe that many guys in relationships are not there because they believe they have complete sexual abundance, but rather they think that if they do not give the girl the relationship she wants, they’re not going to be getting any at all. So you go down this road of voluntary committed relationship, knowing full well that if it turns out not to be something that you want, you can always go back to the dating lifestyle. Obviously this is the best state to be in when in a relationship, as you are going to tend to be less needy, controlling, and more natural in building a healthy relationship. The sex will gradually get better with this girl, as she begins to trust you more fully, as you learn how to turn her on better, and you begin to try new things with her. Your new feelings of attachment are going to inspire greater passion in you both, and a greater feeling of connectedness during sex. The time you spend together will be more enjoyable, as good chemicals are being fired off in your neurology whenever you are together. Over time, you become more and more attached to her, more “in love”, you could say. You experience jealousy from time to time, you begin to miss her, you think about her a lot. And guess what? It turns out to be a very enjoyable experience. Other girls lose their hold on you. You look back on being single, and occasionally you miss the thrills of that, but it all seems slightly immature to you compared to these more developed ties you have. Watch out. It is kind of messed up, but girls in serious relationships tend to try (unconsciously) to turn you into a less attractive guy. You see it all the time, guys getting more and more submissive the longer they are in a relationship. In evolutionary terms, it means less competition from other girls for your girlfriend, and you are more likely that going to provide for her solely. She even feels more entitled to take on another lover with “better genes” than you, if you are walking around all day feeling submissive and less like a man. This is the kind of thing that happens to men who think that relationships are the “end of the game”, so to speak. That being single is a great misfortune, and that being a relationship is a boat full of happiness. As it turns out, being in a relationship is a lot harder work than being single. It takes a lot of thought and work and effort. As soon as you get lazy and stop putting in that effort, and get complacent, you are going to meet the consequences of that laziness. Think about how you are acting in the moment — not how cool you were when you started dating her, and how much you gave up to be with her — how much value you are offering in the moment, and then fifty years from now. It takes a lot to be on the ball like that all the time, but it is incredibly necessary if you want to make your relationship work. The most important thing to consider when evaluating whether you want to be in a monogamous relationship or not, is whether it fits into your lifestyle. If you have a bunch of other things going on, if you are inspired by your work for instance, then you generally will not need other girls to give you excitement. You wake up in the morning with an ambitious attitude about so many things in your life, that to look over and see a woman that you love lying next to you is just another joy of life, who cares about other girls? This is your life, and you are bringing everything that you appreciate into it, including a girl that you want.
By Graeme Alan
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